Dear prayer team, I play keyboards, and do vocals on my worship team at my church. At our church there is this gentleman that everyone just loves. We are a very loving and welcoming church to anyone who attends, i.e. we greet with a hug and kiss(only for the ones in this particular church family). This gentleman asked me this week if we could go to dinner and then maybe we could watch a DVD at his house as he has over 750 DVDs. I told him that sounded great and we would decide when. It was set for last night. I picked him up at his apartment(his transportation is a huge work truck), and we went for a casual/fast food type dinner and just talked.

He is very interesting, has been through a lot. I'm almost 64 years old, and I don't know how old he is, approx. 78ish, but that wasn't a problem because we had been friends at church for the last 4 years. After dinner, we went back to his apartment and visited for a little bit. It turned out to be too late to watch a movie, and I found out a lot about him being a "woman's man", and a bit of a "playboy", those were his exact words. I did the best I could to let him know that I had been devoted to my husband of 34 years who had passed away some years ago.

He asked if he could sit next to me on the couch(there was plenty of room anywhere else), I told him that it would be fine. He definitely sat NEXT to me with only approx,1/2 inch between us. I scooted myself up on the couch edge, explaining that I have 2 metal plates in my neck,(I've broken my neck twice) and am unable to look to the side to see or talk to others. He said, oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I then said "oh my goodness, look at the time!" (it was 9:30p.m.), and I had a long drive home, he told me, don't leave now! I don't go to bed until about 2:00a.m. and I wanted to spend as much time with you as I can. I told him no, I'm sorry, we will just have to make it another time. So I got up, gave him a hug, thanked him for the dinner and conversation, and walked out to my car. He followed me, saying he wanted to make sure I got out there and on my way safely. I got in my car, sat down and reached for the door, he leaned in and kissed me with his mouth open, and said again, I wish you could stay longer. That next time we will mark off a whole day to be together.

I was immediately sick to my stomach, started sweating, twinges of retching came over me and I felt I had just been locked into something that I never intended to be in, and it shot me all the way back to age 3 years old(61 years ago) all the way to 11 years old, when I was repeatedly raped, sodomized and made to perform sexual acts on my uncle and his 2 sons. My mom and dad said I couldn't say anything because if my aunt found out, she would get mad at my uncle and divorce him. My parents exact words were, "You wouldn't want to be the cause of their divorce would you?" That was almost 61 years ago.

Now I'm right back to "I don't want to be touched", I hate that I can't have a friend, unless I give up myself to that person!, Seriously, I go to church with this man! He is a recovering alcoholic, some of his collectibles are a little overwhelming. But I have been yanked back to 1959 again, saying no didn't mean anything then, and it doesn't now, seeing him at church, saying no to him is all a huge overwhelming nightmare!!!!! I don't think for one minute that he would do anything to intentionally hurt me, but clearly he wants a bed buddy, not just a friendship!

So here I am, frightened, frozen in this nausea, no one to rescue me, the same as it was years ago, and I will be seeing this man every Sunday. I'm petrified, scared to death, not sure if I can recover or bounce back from this. What am I gonna say? How am I gonna say it? How can I get past this? Is this my prison to live with and in for the rest of my life? I know God breaks chains, but this previous broken perverted chain mended itself, and I'm back to being 3 years old again. To most women this might not be a big deal. But for me, I went expecting a friendship as we have at church, not the "get me alone relationship". I'm so frightened and so very sad.

Please pray for me to have Christ's peace in dealing with this situation, and that I won't hurt him, or destroy the church family by making it awkward between us. Please pray for me. I'm 3 years old again, taken into a barn that's dark, and no one can hear me scream.